Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
