God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
