Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
