Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
