Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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