Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
