i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
