mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you didnt know i had herpes?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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