I just cut my nipple shaving
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
