i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize