shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
