First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
