You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
