How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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