remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
