Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
