Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
only you would photoshop your dick
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
