are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize