He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the liver wants what the liver wants
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
