KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
