dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
