Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
