Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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