Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
