Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
