I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
