I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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