I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
