why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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