how can u be prego again
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
