It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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