I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
