Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
