Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize