Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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