I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
