we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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