oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
