Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
