I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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