My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
