I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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