I want to walk on stilts...naked
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
