like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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