they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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