trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
