I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
