Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
