Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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