Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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