People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
two words...techno handjob
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
