i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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