Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
