You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
