why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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