a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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