fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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