you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
