I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
