Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
