I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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